?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
19 July 2007 @ 11:33 pm
Master Jeong Jeong Warns On The Dangers of Getting the Mail  
Based on a dream I had about three hours ago...

Flashfic: AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER
Rated: G
Characters: Jeong Jeong, Me
Ships: Uh, no.
Word Count: 830

As I walk down the steps of my cozy two-bedroom apartment and approach the door, Jeong Jeong stands on the bottom step, his hair and catfish-like mustache flying widly about even though there is no discernable breeze to speak of.

He glares at me, angry, eyes narrowed, hand held on the door knob so I can't leave my own apartment.

“Where are you going?” he demands.

“To check the mail.”

“It is junk mail!” he insists.

He's probably right.

“But my box is small and I need to keep it cleaned out or the mailman will leave me a nasty post card thingy telling me that it's impossible for him to put more mail in the box. Then he'll just start leaving my mail at the post office. I'll have to go out of my way to pick it up.”

“But getting mail is dangerous. You are not ready. You are too weak!”

“I've been getting mail since I was a kid. I'm 35, Jeong Jeong!”

“YOU HAVE BEEN FLIRTING WITH DANGER! He yells. “To get your mail, you must first walk through a parking lot. There are many dangerous people lurking about. WHAT DO YOU REALLY KNOW ABOUT YOUR NEIGHBORS?”

“Well, let's see... There's Nikki. She's plays her music too loud. Um, Debbie thinks Harry Potter is “evil”. The guy in 632 is really cute but he I think he's probably gay and available,” I put in and toss ol' Jeong Jeong a playful look. "Then there's like this guy who mumbles to himself" -

“I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! LOOK AT THAT MAN FLITTING ABOUT IN THE PARKING LOT! WHO IS HE? WHAT DO YOU REALLY KNOW OF HIM?”

“Well... His name's Michael. He's a Vietnam Vet. He, uh, rides the bus to Wal*Mart every day cuz he's old and old people like to go to Wal*Mart.”

“HE COULD BE A VIOLENT PREDICATE FELON!”

“Violent predicate felon? Have you been watching Law & Order, Jeong Jeong?”

“COURT TV!” he shouts and waves his fist at me as if the mere mention of watching Law & Order will cause his head to explode.

“You know I, uh, I think they make pills for whatever your problem is, Jeong Jeong.”

“PROBLEM? MY PROBLEM IS THAT YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW DANGEROUS GETTING THE MAIL CAN BE! The speed limit on this road is fifteen miles per hour but MOST DRIVERS FEEL THE NEED TO DRIVE AS IF THEY'RE ON THE OPEN HIGHWAY! YOU COULD GET RUN OVER BY A SPEEDER! YOU COULD BE CRUSHED BY THE WASTE MANAGEMENT TRUCK!”

“Waste management doesn't come until tomorrow morning, actually.”

“SILENCE!”

“YOU COULD BE CRUSHED TO DEATH BY A METEOR THE SIZE OF A CAR ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR MAILBOX!”

“If a meteor the size of a car crashed in the parking lot, I'm pretty sure it would wipe out the entire DC/Metro Area.”

“STOP WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL!”

“Um, sorry?”

“WHAT OF THAT MAN WHO KEEPS WAVING AT YOU?”

“You mean Michael? Mr. Violent Predicate Felon?”

“Yes.”

“He's like sixty, and he weights about three hundred pounds and he's in a wheel chair. I'm pretty sure I could take him down if I need to.”

“YOU ARE FOOLISH! DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE YOUR OPPONENT!”

“But he's not my opponent.”

“LISTEN! Do not talk.”

“Um, okay...”

“You must recognize the dangers in your life and confront them. Do not deny that they exist. NOW GET YOUR PEPPER SPRAY! DO NOT LEAVE THIS DWELLING WITHOUT IT!”

“Did you just use the word “dwelling”?

“TALKING IS NOT LISTENING!”

“I'm not gonna use pepper spray on a crippled war vet, Jeong Jeong.”

“THEN YOU WILL SUFFER A HORRIBLE FATE!”

I let out a sigh and he does the same.

“I once had a student like you who thought he could take on the world. He refused to listen to me. He embraced destruction. He believed he was a god among men. It was his undoing.”

“You're totally taking about Zhao, aren't you?”

“NO! I'M NOT! SO THERE!”

“You sound like my mom, Jeong Jeong, only crazier.”

“YOU COULD GET A SUNBURN!”

“Yeah... It's like seven o'clock in the evening. I'm not too worried.”

“THEN YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!” he huffs then storms out, making sure to slam my door so that my dumb neighbor will complain about the noise.

“Yeah, thanks for that,” I mumble.

I wait, thinking he'll eventually march off into the sunset or whatever. After a few minutes of wandering around my living room, I open the door to the outside. Jeong Jeong is standing in the parking lot, glaring at me with crazy, glowing stalker-type eyes.

At this point, I decide that, if I did get the mail, I'd probably get a paper cut off of one of those thick Capitol One credit card offers and then he'd start screaming at me from the other side of the parking lot.

I'm glad I have my monthly bills e-mailed to me.
 
 
 
rufftoonrufftoon on July 20th, 2007 01:56 pm (UTC)
HAhaha, oh how I wish I'd had a dream with crazy paranoid JJ :D
Fun read
SCplushulala on July 20th, 2007 09:21 pm (UTC)
This is actually the second dreams I've had about Jeong Jeong. The first one didn't make any sense, though.
dungeonwriterdungeonwriter on July 20th, 2007 02:51 pm (UTC)
“TALKING IS NOT LISTENING!”

Dies of laughter. You are a genius, mon ami!
SC: pic#63297060plushulala on July 20th, 2007 09:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :)
lynx386lynx386 on July 20th, 2007 03:08 pm (UTC)
BRILLIANT! YES THANK YOU!
SC: pic#63555255plushulala on July 20th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
sugarland31 on July 20th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
Jeong Jeong doesn't like Law and Order?!? I feel betrayed; it's the perfect AWS antidote.
SCplushulala on July 20th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)
HAHAHA! Icon love! <3
loveroftheflame: ozaicyclops_sameproblem by Drygon and Evloveroftheflame on July 20th, 2007 07:15 pm (UTC)
*giggling madly*

Why does Jeong Jeong sound like Mojo-Jojo in my head?

Too funny!
dreamhunter81: icon by hildreamhunter81 on July 21st, 2007 12:29 am (UTC)
this might be the best ATLA short I'VE EVER READ.
you win at life.
SCplushulala on July 21st, 2007 10:41 am (UTC)
Thanks! XD
retad: Linereadingretad on July 21st, 2007 03:30 am (UTC)
So.
You DID listen to him didn't you? For all your smirking and self-rightious attempts to "soothe" the master, you DID listen to him.

'Nuff said.

(The man's a genius and you are SO lucky he's channeling you...)
SC: pic#63812096plushulala on July 21st, 2007 10:40 am (UTC)
No kidding. Che was right. He really is a genius. :) And now I can't help but want to write another story where he goes to Wal*Mart with me. :) And when I went to get my mail yesterday, I just started cracking up.
Gregarious Hermit: LOLSRSLYrock_rhapsody on July 21st, 2007 11:20 am (UTC)
I wants a cracky dream too!! Awesome , awesome, awesome!! You have made me laugh like an idiot, made my day and could have won the internet if I had own it! Would you settle for a nice piece of pie instead? Getting my mail will never be the same again..